I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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