Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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