why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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