I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
