I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
