i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
