Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
