i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize