i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
