Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
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Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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