You're completely useless in the revolution.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
