How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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