I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
