Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
