The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
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Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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