dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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