I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
