i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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