very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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