that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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