I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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