A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All the doctor said was why
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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