Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
