so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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