btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
