I got her a Nickelback box set.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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