I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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