note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
