He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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