Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
