i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
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Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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