I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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