He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
