Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
