here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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