Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Non-Jews are for practice
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
