I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
