I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
