A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
