I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
