She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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