Umm I'm too high to move.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
