My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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