if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We need to get me chipped asap
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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