I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
