I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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