I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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