i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
