the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
