my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
