I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just pee around me
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I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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