Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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