So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
