Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
