If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
