I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
